Don’t pretend like you can still trick me. I see what you do there, vile fiend. You strike me at my lowest, when my essay’s a quarter done and it’s already 4 a.m. You beckon to me like Pitbull. “I know you want me,” you whisper. “Come on, you’re already wearing sweatpants. Don’t pretend like [...]

I’m charming. I like small talk and I can engage you easily in that kind of inconsequential conversation. I ask you questions and pay close attention to your answers, which have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my personal welfare. I do this because it’s important to listen, so it seems like I care. When I [...]

The Couple, at first, is playful. It smiles constantly: one large, maniacal smile. It kisses itself once the waiter turns around. It reaches for its own hands under the table, groping in the dark until its fingertips connect, sending shivers through its own flesh. The toe of one half of The Couple slides up the [...]

Deep Blue Sea always made me laugh as a kid. Morbid, I know. But there was something about a genetically engineered shark breaching out of the water to chomp down on Samuel L. Jackson that tickled me. For those who aren’t lucky enough to have experienced the cinematic brilliance that is Deep Blue Sea, a [...]

Every time I walked into Priscilla’s this summer, I said “hi” to James, sitting at a table outside with his temperamental Pomeranian, Nicholas; waved to Merrick, the classical guitar virtuoso teaching me to play; scowled at Robert, ordering thirty drinks for his office yet again; and smiled at Alex, who was behind the counter, making [...]

My mom and I take Thanksgiving very seriously, and there is nothing we take more seriously than the pie. We’re complete pie snobs. The only thing in my pumpkin pie that comes from a can is the evaporated milk, and if I had the time and talent, I’d probably figure out a way to make [...]

It gives me pleasure to call a movie or a song or a book bad.